Jokes for Adults : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.
Jokes for Adults
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Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
I hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.
What’s the name of my cheese? Nacho cheese.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!
What’s the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What does a pampered cow give? Spoiled milk.
My favorite word is “drool.”
It just rolls off the tongue.
I’m terrified of elevators…
…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Satisfactory.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
Do you know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.
Guess it’s time to watermelon.
Why did the invention of the dry erase board amaze the world?
Because it was re-markable.
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Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.
Did you hear about the pirate who became a great chef? He mastered the seven sea-soning.
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
When does a hippo have a tusk? After some rhino-plasty.
What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
How are men like diapers? They’re usually full of sh*t, but thankfully disposable.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with paper and a pencil.
How do you make coffee in a toilet? With a plunger.
How is a boyfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the sh*t out of you.
Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in the crack.
What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? “You are the wind beneath my wings.
Why was the old toilet always flushed? Everyone kept yanking his chain.
How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
Funny Jokes for Adults
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What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?”
What did one elevator say to the other? I think I’m coming down with something.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’ Furniture.
What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My dad was hit on the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink
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Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest? No body won.
Why did the battery go on vacation? He needed to recharge.
Why did the pumpkin go to the doctor? It didn’t feel so gourd.
What month of the year has 28 days? All of them.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.
Why shouldn’t you trust artists? They can be sketchy.
Why did the car take a nap? It was tired.
Did you hear about dry cleaner who got arrested? He was laundering money.
Why did the football player hire a lawyer? He needed help with his defense.
Why did the mortician clock out of work early? He was dying to leave.
What do you get when you cross a guitar, drums and a car tire? A rubber band.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the course? In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the boy wear his coat to dinner? Because chili was on the menu.
Did you hear about the baseball player who got arrested? He stole second base.
Why aren’t kids allowed to see pirate movies? They’re all rated arrrrr.
How much does it cost to hire a deer? A buck.
How did police catch the thief who robbed an Apple store? There was an I Witness.
Why did the coffee cup file a police report? It got mugged.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Thankfully, someone woke her up.
What kind of scientists avoid the sun? Paleontologists.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
What did 0 say to 8?
“Nice belt.”
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse raddish!
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they are such fungis.
Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Too many ears.
Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
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